Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
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*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
That’s no pocket rocket.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me irl
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.