When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
You Might Also Like
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest