No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Good news
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
We avoided this particular disaster
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Put a ring on it
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!