I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
You Might Also Like
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond