Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.