the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.