ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
So creative 😂
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.