good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
What kind of a cult is this?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’