Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here