7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
The Assassin.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Message from the dog groomers
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH