This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Meow
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.