Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]