imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
had to make it
Hard not to take this personally