Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
#Caturday
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.