MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.