The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff