I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
RT if you could go either way.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.