Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Smells like a challenge to me
i like to flex on them by shrugging
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.