I’d rather fork than spoon.
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The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
this isn’t threatening at all
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever