[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Just got to our Airbnb!
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the