Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.