Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
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Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE