I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
2022 will be better than 2021
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.