which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me