The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I’m Sold!
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.