I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
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So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.