Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.