My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣