A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?