“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”