Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
excuse me
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it