Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
You Might Also Like
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.