My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life