Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Just me?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”