“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me: