My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
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Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.