I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.