[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Sing it!
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers