People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
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First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”