Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
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At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.