I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.