In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding