[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.