[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
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Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.