It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever