Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
You Might Also Like
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
This classic never gets old . . .
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
A drum solo but on your face.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.