I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom