What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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This headline is a thing of beauty
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys