“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Love it! 👍😂
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.