Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Monday
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body